Belonging...

Why is it that when u are supposed to leave something to rest do you see urself agitated about it??? When happiness is there but there is this underlying current of helplessness...when u kno that u have found a treasure but instead of cherishing it mourn at the loss of not finding that one gem ....where the unexpected happens in the most ironic ways...denial seems like its just an instrument of aggravation...u wonder so what is it that i shud think about? Myself, an unfulfilled dream, the purpose, the world, issues, humanity, love, friendship, bonds, truth, politics, beauty, flattery, images, careers, books, writing , reading, dancing, painting, nature? Huh seems a lot of things that need to be thought over...a confusion or just hormones acting up....a search which is inhibited by demons of my own ...the trembling hands as i see that restlessness surface where i fear i may no more be able to contain myself...the fears that what i have no will over may lead me to a disconnect...besides 3.7 gpa n i was jumping cos i had surpassed my target of 3.6 but the moment only lasted till mom was like good but what’s ur rank...u stagnated u went down im not happy...well 3.4 to 3.7 didn’t matter anymore...cos it never is enough...i mean atleast she cud have been happy but no...rank....aargh was like irritated...after days willed for tears to come...it all seemed hard...i mean why constant beration despite putting in efforts??? Holidays suck 4 da simple reason there’s not once dat sumin was appreciated...all dat is said is u don’t know the rest....so what if u did it...u can do better...constant criticizing leads to me becoming oblivious to them but it hurts yet....imagine home a place where u are supposed to get solace turns into da last place u want to be...cos it doesn’t seem like home anymore....a place where i live tht’s it...shouts and fights on entire day...no space whatsoever...accusation of being selfish....all just accumulates inside...as it gnaws on ma being while i don’t know ma life’s reason...amigos with the raindrops fallin on ma face...maybe they are the only tears that manage 2 roll down ma cheeks...

Yayy exams ova!!!

Its been over 5 days since they're ova but i'm yet rejoicing.....for 1/2 an hour afta exams was jus shoutin xams are ova...lolz ppl thought i am demented....well its been long and loads happened i'm sure that's a given since ma life can't stay stagnant in any way....hmmm dat day went out wid frnds had a blast...went to juhu beach n got drenched 2 n felt like free when i ran down the slope wid ma arms outstretched.....hmmm da joys of uncurbed running....have been singing I believe I can fly a lot of lately n believe me its beautiful!!! Though was stared dowm by mom cos was home late...actually hardly any days hav i entered b4 9 since 3 months...but its vactions so its k.

Went to Essel World (I kno cliched but that's where evber1 wanted 2 go) and had a lot o fun though missed ma closest friends in coll....lil controversy dere but i guess it's k cos i don like 2 stop maself frm doin wht ma heart feels like doin n advisor mom 2 had 2 say dat "girl, do not stop urself n go cos u can't stay happy 4 long if u don't do wht u wanna"....luv ya mom...n happy b'day again....she jus knows me soo well n ya well gorged on cotton candy a.k.a buddhi ka baal (lolz) n golas n popcorn.... every1 was lke u've come 2 eat ova here it seems....though rock n roll did rearrange all ma gray matter ,dats da only one dere dat can give me jeepers cos u feel at times ur brains are gonna blow out and ur always scared da one opposite u may puke(eeeeeeeeeew) but nonetheless it rox...thunder n aqua dive 2 were fun....its gonna be one long post so brace urself...n a frnd o mine was like r u always like dis in ur world chirpy n chillin...well a visit here wud probably ans his question but yeah i was like its a picnic so wat the hell will be chirpy ony na...did ice skain 2 da big incentive 2 go dere!!! Fell down while laughin at dat frnd fall ....deserves me.....hehehehe

Heehee after 2 very funfilled days was on a high and spent da entire Sunday cut off from everythin n spent it on da idiot box n went for a play in da eve n was really touched...it was a comedy on how old people are treated n did cry (not sumin i do usually in movies or plays) but couldn't help it when u see a mother break down n beg her son 2 let her stay in one corner of da house n she would eat ony one time f required n become an unpaid aaya n servant...I mean how can nebody ever do dat 2 their parents...da very people who raise u who spend their lifetime in making u da person u are who bring u into dis world are shunned by u when they reach an age where they need ur support....was disgusted at the thought of such people....downright scums!!!

Neways can fill an entire post on dis topic...so yeah monday again i spent da entire day out n met up wid a bunch o frnds....it was nice i liked da movie speedracer....well it was basically a packed day met up wid dis frnd i had neva met ony spoken ova da fone wid....long story how we talk soo much ova da fone but had neva seen each oder.....she was fun, a common frnd da guy who introduced us well he keeps on tellin me she's a kiddo don't do tht 2 her cos we both keep on pullin each oder's leg n soo funny cos he get's way meaner than i do wid her...its sweet n ya he hates bein called dat wierdo but call him a jackass n he'll be downrite happy...

Yesterday tho was da best cos i spent da rest o da day in heaven readin a buk called Inca Gold a thriller really nice n well it got me lukin up stuff on da incas really interestin stuff...a book is a joy unparalleled....downloaded juno waitin 2 watch it!!!

Btw was really happy when a frnd said dat i always m doin sumin or da oder....cos i don't like doin nuin...yayeee.....adios amigos will keep postin

P.S was wonderin if n internship to do a feasibility study of a product made sense???

N finally a chirpy 1 n surely full of life wid a blow by blow account o da las 5 days....i hope i din try da oatience 4 too long.....

A stream of words form random thoughts which cause a sea of conflict in my mind as I wonder how I can talk so sanely when I have to tell friends tat studies are most important and we should jus put everything away but in reality have da greatest difficulty following it...how come words of wisdom fall so easily but despite knowing it can't really follow them....why these painful stabs of longing....mood swings so bad that I wonder if a lunatic asylum is da place to be....why I suppress my true feelings so much that even close friends are shocked when i simply state da truth ...

y can't i have dat flawless skin back... is da sparkle out of my eyes gone....left behind da dead skin without any glow...is it really true tat love makes one beautiful...can i kill dat beautician who messed up da clean up...can i jus have a single perfect day...y are da monsoons so far away..y do i have so many y's???

Where is dat someone....rather who is dat someone....y is da wait so long? It's not that important but yet these thoughts consume me in their entirety...make me feel like i am waiting for someone to come and fill in the spaces and the hollowness...da kind where u live in a bubble where superficially you are happy you are sad you are excited and go through all da emotions but in reality there is just a vaccuum and the only occasional visitors there are sadness and loneliness...

And momentary elevation of feelings when they fall are deeper than the deepest pits of hell....

Expectations as usual were my downfall ...

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broken hearts, broken mind, broken spirit......

shattered

Another illusion shattered, its nothin new 4 me , happens all da time, yet it seems da hurt doesnt lessen, da pain still pricks like a thousand shards of glass, when u spend days believing it n den realize u were jus livin in a world o ur own....n da cycle repeats itself everywhere....i wonder if all ma life m gonna be stuck in dis web of deceptions n whirl about lifting maself from the tide to fall right back in...is it dat i can't diffrentiate between reality or am i so blisfully ignorant or dat i am so naive...either ways i think expecting lyf to be sweet is da bigget mistake i mke n shud no itz jus an illusion..wel da pt is as usual when i'm hurt i either spell it out loud n clear or jus shut up and sink it all in..n neva say a word or show nethin but da hurt keeps on diggin in n plantin its roots stronger...maybe m too sensitive at times n jus plain stupid at times to not realize when i shud take offense..neways as usual things jus pile up n neva come out...m literally beggin 4 a single tear to fall....i mean i will abuse n explode at stupid thingz but when it matters i wil neva say much..maybe cos its only dose who are dat close can cause dat kinda hurt n i guess i expect they will kno dey did dat or jus neva say it but it will broil ova n ova in ma mind n den i stop trustin i put up a facade of normalcy but maybe dats not enuf....

Bewafaa...

Well wrote dis while practicing 4 acc proj...we were gonna do sumthin on da lines of da big fight n was harrowed n tired at da end o da day n bogged down when inspiration struck me....

Kya kahoon, kya karoon

Jab kabhi sochti hoon,

Dil main darr sa lagta hain,

Ke ye bewafaa baawra sa mann mera

Kahin na kahin chahta hain tujhe,

Magar majboori meri ki tere siva

Koi aur bhi dil mein basa hai mere

Dunno y but dese words came 2 ma mind..

Swinging...n beyond

Goin thru a gamut of emotions...a typical day involves like a hundred mood swings...n all extremes...wonder y cos am not da ony one.

Was talkin 2 a friend who said....Sal what's wrong wid u? U used 2 babble so much now y do u go so quiet?...Well I said maybe cos I neva showed ma silent side b4 n he was like u betta off talkin..n all I could say was Go to hell...was 'snarling' as he put it at him after that...well maybe I guess ppl truly don't understand that silence is a gift I give to those who matter......

I can feel this anger and frustration building up in me and I know not y those feelings are there cos I kno they shudn't...there is dat lost person....wonder y but da song lips of an angel always pull at me n so does unfaithful...is it a paradox of sorts 2 ma beliefs that draws me 2 it....is it dat love in bein unfaithful shines thru...da grim fact is it always pulls at me...
M losin ma patience with a certain thing n ma long lost cuz came outta da blue n kinda calmed me down...wonder if it was a cosmic connection or wat...dat he met me online dat very day...absurdly we were spillin our life stories 2 each oder n we neva did tht really as kids...

Heard dis amazin song Into Dust...4 da 1st time loved a song I heard ova daphone...in fact so much that gotinspired 2 write these....

They walked hand in hand,
Stealing glances at each other.
A blush colouring her cheeks,
As her eyelid fluttered,
Her heart beat skipping a slight beat,
Magic in the air,
The sizzle and chemistry all but crackling,
The midnight bayou casting a golden glow on them,
They walked hand in hand,
Stealing glances at each other.

Well da second time I heard it these came to ma mind

The strings of my heart sing this for you,
As I walk with you on this journey.
My soul it is I give to you,
As we live in this story.

Memoirs of an innocent childhood

The smack of the ball on ma hand...the echo of Marco polo....the crawling under cars to get da ball...da fights with that grouch on da second floor...da faces...da enthralling hum of kabaddi...the thrill of running all over the building...da pounding heart after ringing da doorbell n runnin away...da thud of ma head on da bricks...the laughter at mimicking teachers...da fights over who cheated...the pot parties...the 5 rs potato wafers...the sand castles...the dances...the doll houses...the wide eyed wonder.... da waitin 2 not ne da youngest...the struggle to go under the rope...the skipping distractions...the lame attempts at statue...the clink of pebbles whille playin hopscotch...the wiggling under a car to get da ball...the releasing cycle rides...da hours spent on the video games...da naivette...da smile that reached da eyes...da brushing off the dust after being run over by a bike 2 go and play...da kho's n sakli's..da misplaced kicks while "trying" to play football...da stretch of the hand to connect wid da shuttle cock...the giggles...the jumps of the jungle gym...the leaps of the school tank...da runnin 2 1A to meet frnds...da bear books...the search word puzzle competitions wid mom...the tinkle fights... the unconditional love....the late nights seein zee horror show...da sleepwalking outside da house...da memoirs of a childhood still incomplete...walking with a spring in da step, twinkling eyes and an offkey song with mixed up lyrics o ma lips....some of it still remains da same...but da innocence only reflected in another child's eyes.

....I aint doin nethin

Am supposed to be working on Bajaj turnaround strategy but jus doesn't seem to happen. I feel like I am underwater where everything around me is unrealistic...dunno wht but sumthing's wrong....can feel those feelings cumin bac...where I kno tht da screw up is ma fault i can stop it but 4 sum twisted reason m lettin it happen...am runnin away frm those who care n who would care....m runnin frm da world to nowhere...where I kno its gonna be da same all over again..everythin seems like a fake..dis time its me who's smilin and people think oh she must hav no problems in her life...foreva smilin and chirpy....but I hav ma doubts and ma biggest is wht am i doin right now...ma frnds are goin away n i ain't doin nethin to stop em....ma life is goin into da endless pit of loneliness and despair n I ain't doin nethin...da days are passin by w/o me realisin...am jus breathing but I don't think am livin

Faded feelings are back again
Tears are on the verge of a pouring rain
But all that happens is a daze
Where I suffocate in this maze.

I WILL...

"Our attitude towards da girl and da guy is different."
"We are not tht forward."
Well I wanna kno jus cos I am a girl am i to be denied da opportunities dat cum ma way. do i not hav da right to dream big? Can't I live life on ma terms? Is is so necessary for me to get married? Won't I be able to exist w/o a man in ma life? Is ma universe to be controlled within da spheres of dis city?

Well I too hav dreams and hopes of ma own. I hav opportunities and da ability to fulfill them. I hav a vision of wht ma life shud be. I don;'t agree to bein da traditional girl nor to dat fact dat my life will be ruled by da fact dat ultimately i goota get married. Maybe I don't see da need. Maybe I believe in a live-in relationship. Maybe I want to roam da world not as a tourist but as ma home. Maybe mom n dad I think different. I hav resolved silently that I will follow no path but mine. I will beat all odds to find every opportunity. I will live like a fighter. I WILL dream without any limitations and do everythin within ma power to fulfill them.

P.S Any ideas on how to get ma parents to lemme go 4 summer school and ya do ma MBA abroad???

....alone

Ma frnds are walkin around da quad...ppl waitin 4 me bac at home...loads o work dat is 2 be done but yet i wish to sit alone...
I thought to blog 2day n m here but it seems like I dunno wat 2 blog about so let me jus ask

Y do I get scared to trust?
Y did I let things go so sour?
Y am i so restless inside?
Is that wht i truly feel?
Y hav words become my enemies?
Y am I putting myself through no peace?
Y do I wanna do everything?
Y is this thirst to prove myself so much?
Y can't I jus take a step back?
Y am I feelin so lonely?
Y did I try to revisit my past?
Y did I want tht freindship bac?
Y da irony of speakin to every1 yet on an island of seclusion?
Y those long convos with her on y love always deludes us?
Y wonder if he does exist or not?
Y so many y's?
Y this emptiness?

dunno wt but all o us agree we do not want 2 think bout havin dat spl sum1 but in the end dat dream has taken birth in our hearts...being da girls we are....we will continue to nurture it

While I watch the sunset
For thee do I wait
Love of my life
To lay by your side
Till the sunset of our life.

Still searchin 4 u....

Back to Square One

Am all the way back to square one and will jus say that the only thing in life that is true is that ur da only obne for u n tht everybody is bloody selfish and the smartest thing to do is to be da way they are...difference being they put the mask of niceities and do it. Exams have come and u see da true colours of ppl...who won't even remeba their so calledc"friends" da minute their work is done and will conviniently forget such things but again once they are over it will al be da same story....so I wonder if this word friends is sumthin [pppl shud even try to be used...its pissin off tht ppl jus put on bloody shows....i guess its ffolish to be there for others when all that happens is in ur need they will desert u and da reasons willbe tht they were scared worried etc etc like ur feelins were neva there when u waited...maybe its time a learnt da lesson....its time i jus disconnected if ppl bother gud n if they don't then better...saves me the damn pain of even miniscule expectations as its all shit....maybewill jus go n isolate maself instead of tryin to fit in cos its stupid to do so...its all jus a damn fake.....neways gota go gotta write a paper in an hour..pray i rite sum sense n not ramnble even there........................................................tat's all there is a blank in all ways and its pissin me off.........................................................................

Feeling Unburdened....Not

A hundred thoughts...music playin in the background...there is this sense of forebonding....seems like hope is slowly vanishing...when I feel that all was just a dream...jus illusion....something I am very prone 2...since I seem 2 have them all da time...dis urge n negativity...this feelin of loneliness...da laughter all but forced as though trying to mask the pain from myself while all along it jus erodes at my soul and sneaks in to trouble me...when I feel it is yet da same...when words betray you...patience reaches its limit....da need to talk...but nobody to talk to...to have doubts.... but nobody to share them with...da urge to stay quiet...but forced into talking...da madness to scream it all out...the frustration clamouring to be let out of the thick walls....where faith is only in da fact tht there is no faith in anything else...overwhelmed by emotions...but nobody to show them too...the excitement died cos it wasn't shared...da fears haunting me...reclusing me into a shell...a zone where it all jus stays there...this confusion n dilemma leaves me with the feelings uptil the brim but not a word, not a sound, not a tear yet my eyes sayin everything, Sleep there but never letting me rest in peace...to tht elusive thing tht i don't have...to everything that went wrong...pls don't come to scew up again...n to that which consumes me....pls try to show me some meaning....

....praying for hope n lots more.