Chaos...da other side of me.

Dis is da third draft now n dis time i betta post it...
a mix of emotions..a sleepless night full of disturbances...nora roberts doin her magic on me...the need to escape...to go away for sum time...a hundred or more thoughts clashin about..da blind eye i try to turn to things...da frustration screamin out from every pore...da confusions of the heart n all...people old n new lukin as though i've lost ma mind...unable to place maself in ma own eyes...dat feelin where i wanna belong so much dat it hurts but kno jus at da very sight of seein dat happen i run to da hills...dis all consuming fear n rage at everythin..these doubts...these bouts of highs n lows...da misundrstandings...da need..da want.. da not knowing...wanting to jus scream n sceam until m heavin everythin out n away...to find peace within...to be able to understand who wht why...to trust..to live...to feel...to care..to to kno why i don't give a damn n yet give a whole fuckin damn...to hurl abuses to destroy...to create...to paint a picture of a new life...to not wait for time to get past..to stop runnin from maself..frm dat silence..to kno y its bin a year since i hav cut off n barely come bac...da so manywant to's but no idea where to go ...routine or not dis is not wht i want...wht i want seems right there but is it a mirage in da desert of ma life or is it finaly i've reached da oasis...or is it jus mere illusions n trickery of ma mind...till this is resolved will face all da blames anger abuses n everythin damn thing tht comes my way cos i've had enuf n now all i wanna do is rebel bu even here i kn i will excercise my caution..so ya i don't carenn i don' give a damn cos now m ma own destiny...n f u wana stay then gud else u can go take a trip to hell's deepest pits...all n sundry now it's jus this dat is me..dumb or smart..responsible or not..i jus wanna say

TAKE ME AS I AM...

ramblings--jus da start of many to come

I wondered n wondered what should i write about...several times in da past fortnight i felt like cumin here but sumthin stopped me.
We got da consolation prize in a convention for our b-plan as da most novel idea...yipee!!!
M gonna take part in talaash yipeee again....finally will dance on stage(phew)
Da good news end there....n now da bombshell dat dropped on me last week...

Ma guy friends luk at me like a guy(not a tomboy) a guy!!!!According 2 em i'm a guy stuck in ma body...of all da impossible things they cud tell me they temme this.I was flabbergasted appalled shocked n shut into silence.I didn't kno what 2 say...for da next few days i kinda was in ma shell i dunno iff many noticed cos i like 2 stay happy n chirpy in coll...hell everybody has sum shit or da oder no pt in me addin 2 it....but tht yet goes round in ma head n i don't believe maself but hav tild a few chick frnds 2 actually lemme kno when i'm actin like a guy(thankfully till now they haven't noticed a single thing)....tht got me wonderin wt do they mean like a guy... is it cos i don't hesitate to talk about subjects which r considered a taboo 4 girls or cos i abuse openly(well only certain ones) or cos i don't waste 2 much time on frills and m not fussy about things cept food or cause i laugh openely at da double meaning jokes n catch onto em...i wondered n wondered for hours n decided ma frnd shud really get it frm me for sayin this shit but yet when he calls i don show a thing...m wonderin da day i will wt its gonna be like...in fact its a mystery 2 me f he's blind or sumthin..i agree m not da gurly girl but hell a guy...????@#$#@$

Went to da versova beach...tht place is so beautiful...da sea always is...but da fun of goin there wid frnds is completely different m thinkin will go there alone 1 day that is after i rememba ma way bac(hehehe) but there is this chasm in me which i try 2 fill in every possible way but i kno that it's not possible cos that chasm is loneliness...alone in a crowd...a hundred things 2 do yet feelin inactive...surrounded by friends n havin fun goin out yet dat feelin of missin sumthin vital...well maybe it's cos i miss a special sum1...

Someone

You can't eat, you can't sleep, you can weep
When you love someone

Feels extreme when you dream and you scream
When you love someone

If you feel that strong
Can you see that one

[Chorus:]
Let me be yours
Someone to hold you tight
Someone to make you feel alright
Everyday and night
I wish I was your someone
Someone to hold you when you're weak
Someone to make you feel complete
Everyday and night
I wish I was your someone

Don't you know I will go
If you show that I can break through

It feels extreme when you dream and you scream
When you love someone

If you feel that strong
Can you see you're the one

[Chorus][x2]

And I hold you tight
Still on my mind
I can't stand to live without you
And I can't forget you
where ever you are
Still on my mind

[Chorus][x3]

Someone to hold you tight
Someone to make you feel alright
Everday and night
I wish I was your someone Someone lyrics

You can't eat, you can't sleep, you can weep
When you love someone

Feels extreme when you dream and you scream
When you love someone

If you feel that strong
Can you see that one

[Chorus:]
Let me be yours
Someone to hold you tight
Someone to make you feel alright
Everyday and night
I wish I was your someone
Someone to hold you when you're weak
Someone to make you feel complete
Everyday and night
I wish I was your someone

Don't you know I will go
If you show that I can break through

It feels extreme when you dream and you scream
When you love someone

If you feel that strong
Can you see you're the one

[Chorus][x2]

And I hold you tight
Still on my mind
I can't stand to live without you
And I can't forget you
where ever you are
Still on my mind

[Chorus][x3]

Someone to hold you tight
Someone to make you feel alright
Everday and night
I wish I was your someone

This is a song by DHT and one o ma current favourites.

Wonder when sum1 will sing this song 4 me...cos it seems like there isn't ne1 there if there is why doesn't he cum n say so...

My wait continues
In all ma loneliness
In all da guyishness
In all da girliness
In all those chirpings n crazy talks
In all da doubts within
In all that is me
When u'll join me on da beach
To see the sun set
To hold ma hand as another day of life is passed

Deafening Silences

Silence.........quintissential in itself!!!!

Silence.....da various roles it plays in our lives.
To many its scary ,to many its jus a way 2 fill gaps but 2 many its peace....to me its all of da above n da most beautiful thing eva.

Its scary when i'm in a library
Its a way 2 fill gaps when u r havin a stiltd conversation...even 2 think up wht u wanna say or jus don kno wht 2 say
Its peace when im sick of all da commotion around n find those few precious moments of silence where I take a breath........peace when im left alone 2 myself 2 dream ma dreams.

But its da most beautiful when shared with those who understand it n can be a part of it comfortably.Its with those who matter da most.Where words are not required.Jus being there n with da silence is da most beautiful thing.Its universal.

Sitting on da seaside laying in ur arms where da only sound is da sound of silence.Da only proclaimer of love is dat silence.Silence the language used where words are not enuf.Content to be with each other in our silence.Those moments where i am with u da most.The gift of silence shared by us is da most beautiful thing.
(wonder when u'll come till then me n ma silence will wait 4 u)



Shhhhhhhh........

Moving On

This question has crossed my mind a hundred times over......how does some1 move on....how can u?Were those feelings so shallow......I can't say i've found da answer but maybe am getting to know what dis moving on is...

Moving on is when the pain slowly starts dulling
When it is residing in some lonesome corner of ur heart forgotten
Moving on da word itself says that u jus go on from there not erase it
It is that process which rips your heart out n shreds it to peices jus so that u can tape it 2gether
It never promised 2 be easy...it neva promised 2 be quick...nor that the pain won't come to haunt u back
It promised to leave scars....it promised to bring tears....it promised that when u do move on someday when ur drunk n talkin emotional it will be there

Movin on simply means u let life take over for sometime until u'r busy enough 2 not really remember anythin n 1 day 'pronto' u realise that it's ok....someday somethin new will come along n u'll have memories fights all of that
It gives u da licence to bitch about tht person;-)
To have tons of chocolate n ice creams with ur gal pals n abuse da entire species of men(rather b......ds)....sry guys but that's what i meant by licence...this one's for all u heartbroken gals....use this an excuse to go girly(ewww normally 4 me) n pamper urself...luk da best u eva have....if nuthin dat s.o.b will kno wht he lost....

It means a lot of downs so lets luk 4 da ups ....go hav ballistic fun join new activities....catch up on all da things u hven't done...read da buks which u have wanted 2 read but neva had time...see all da movies hittin da theatres....all in da name of movin on....

Movin on we can say is tht u cherish wht u had hurt how much u want to n take a new lease of life....u let those feelings go away...sound funny i kno but time is da best teacher(trust me)

There will be times when u would be like its 2 much to do i'd rather stay wallowing in this pit of despair n self pity feelin dat sense of loss....u would probably survive but would not LIVE....

It has no guarantee no warranty but it lets u kno ur walkin forward on dis road called life...dis was not da only thing(it may have been a defining pt) but there are many more experiences waitin 4 u....

This ain't published in any buk....its jus all that a girl at 18 learnt from life n is still learnin cos dis is wht movin on is doin 2 her.

*dis one's for some1 who had asked me how....hope u found sumthin here

*Yipeee ma 1st blog frm ma own laptop.....finally!!!

Myriad of thoughts..............in a nutshell

Hmmmm....feelin dis great need 2 express but wonder where 2 start cos everytime I do there r a thousand or so things which wanna all tumble out n in dat melee of thoughts i loose even da most basic structure of what i originally wanted 2 say so ya........maybe will write a lil bout those few here....

Tears....
Those eluding lil drops which cause pain furthermore when they refuse to fall

Laughter....
That tinkling sound which gives u hope(so all those of u fakin it....it really shows)

Hope....
The whole n sole element which keeps us alive(even not hoping is hoping)

Sorrow....
The valley which will force you to climb the mountain peaks in search of happiness

Happiness....
A state of euphoria felt by mere state of mind

Love....
That mystical beauty evading da clutches of death

Forever....
A word used carelessly without knowing da implication....nothing is forever:-)

Smile....
Da only thing of mine which is for everybody

Thoughts...
The only ones who tirelessly run around looping you into a dangle

Words...
Da harbingers of thoughts if not delivered rightly can cause a comedy of errors

Soul....
the pure white swan untainted by anything

Solitude....
Da only companion who lets u comfortably go anywhere without any demands

Silence....
The precious gift given only to those who can hear and understand it

Joy....
Seeing a baby growing up

Nature....
The lady who can kick ass right where it hurts n contraddicting it with da beauty it has even when its barren(read da desert)

Dance....
The very thing that lets me free

Books....
Those treasure chests full of hidden secrets which give the riches which none else can find

Experience....
The handsome crown that time bestows upon you.

Wisdom....
The throne given when that crown is not only worn but put to use.

Life....
As capricious as da shifting sands in the desert.

These r jus a few of da things i thought bout cos by now i've lost track of da things i was sayin so let me go cos i'm already ready 2 write a new blog.

To all those who comment...u can add ur own thoughts on any of da above .

Read a book after days....felt like am in heaven again...sumtimes feel like gettin trapped in dat world of books...where it all jus seems so real...those characters n da way they deal wid things...Nora Roberts sure has a way of sucking u into a story so simple but yet replete with character...every protaganist always teaches me sumthin...had read da latest post of a frnd...www.commotion17.blogspot.com...which speaks bout us gettin influenced by ppl i say 2 all da readers da buks u read also influence you cos knowingly unkowingly u pick up traits from every book u read...everytime i read a book feel like pickin up a new hobby...n as it always happend its a passin phase...but what i luv da most bout Nora is she transports u 2 an ideal place.....


A small town where everybody knows everybody...its like a home...life takes its own pace...u find people who are genuinely worth admirin with all their quirks...u stick by each other...familiarity is there...toss in romance da most scenic place n a creative line of work...da mountains or plains or valleys...wake up 2 them right there...


So wish could go create dat world n be like one of her protaganists...women who hold their own with a steely spine n hav so many amazing shades of character that being them for those few hours of reading makes me feel that there is a semblance of them atleast imbibed in me...the way those women hav all showed courage in some form or other is amazin...

Wonder of jus packin ma bags at times n takin off 2 kno dis world beyond ma books beyond ma college beyond me beyond dis city...feel like have the entire ocean open n waitin for me 2 explore its secrets but my ship is still in the harbour anchored so secure struggle as it may its only going 2 bob around there.....wanna be a vagaond

Once got 2 kno a person who had done jus tht packed up n left...so jealous of her...n saw she was happy where she was with all da hardships n da fruits..Da uncertainity of not knowing what adventure lay ahead on that journey jus thrills me...living life by my clock n time where i could go as i wish...do the hundred or more things i want to do n learn...all da ppl i would meet sum amzin sum not...da places i would see...wanna fall into da lap of nature n play da role it wants me 2......

Da way my heart always longs 2 be so many different things at 1 time that i keep on wonderin da dilemma i put myself through knowin all those are not possible...it is all jus a longin 4 findin dat place in ma heart which i can call ma nest n rest knowing this is where i belong ...till then i guess i will continue on this quest of knowing myself....

Someday Somewhere
The end will come
This road will take me there
N that day will be the day my heart will beat all the life it has into
That day death also wont partake from me
The knowledge of me.

Someday Somewhere
I will know me

Someday Somewhere
The world will know me

Someday Somewhere
He will find me

Someday Somewhere
I will go free

Someday Somewhere
I will fly on wings

Someday Somewhere
Family will understand

Someday Somewhere
Friends will be found

Someday Somewhere
Simplicity will be known

Someday Somewhere
Colours will blend into that perfect picture

Someday Somewhere
I will sing in tune

Someday Somewhere
I will dance like never before

Someday Somewhere
I'll write it jus da way i cant

Someday Somewhere
Peace will be found

Someday Somewhere
I will live.

Someday somewhere
The end will come
This road will take me there
N that day will be the day my heart will beat all the life it has into
That day death also wont partake from me
The knowledge of me.

Round the maze of oblivion(bliss)

Seems like eternity is here 2 stay...m wonderin wht r u supposed 2 do when u try 2 build a fortress around u n sumbody comes n loosens up da base of dat fortress...well was questioned regarding ma attitude... 4 da 1st time will say sumthin here by elaboratin...

You came out of nowhere..
Even then u were confused bout us..
But I accepted it da way it was..
I gave heart n soul mind n body
Everythin that was I

Well was I to know one day will come when u would say
Variety is the spice of life, I jus want you 2 kno
Let me please go.

I cried, I fought
I did everything in my power i thought
Then came a day I let you go
Pulled myself back from that life called "you"
Started building a life called "me"

Well then you came to say
U neva hav the time,you are too busy
But you never saw tht when i needed time
You were too busy

You asked me why I say what I say
But you only taught me those hard facts of life
That loving so much that u give more than u can
Mistake as it is, the bigger being
Not letting them know what u gave

Well now I'm dead inside
Not a feeling lies there
I care I worry but the ability
To love people has been stolen

I smile I laugh but all that
Is to fill a bigger void than what you left
The one i created to fill da one you left
Where nothing can come.

Even tears are afraid to grace their prescence
But even now I tell you this
Love whom you may
Never take them for granted one day

Take care with their heart
Lest u leave a space which will be packed
But by hollowing of another in its place
Cos nothing is for free in this world
To get some you give some.

That's bout all i can say on this topic n da fact dat i learnt da hard facts soon enough n that its ok 2 love but not ok to expect from that love...its this love which has put us all in whirl of insomnia...tossing and turning even after i guess we reach our graves....its this love which is the cause of pain so I uprooted it from its very base n today when u ask me do i feel ne attachment all i can say is i don't know n wish that i did not cos this life is about me where you cant balance the scales of justice n i can't live without those.....i'm sure u kno i always wanna balance da extremes...so once again i choose da extreme of blanking out maybe a day will come when i will go balance this one with sumbody till then this is me...how i want to be.Cos its me and my beliefs. I had once said my love is for you my tears are for you my smile is the only one for evryone........but today i say my love is for none my tears are for none my smile is the only thing
for everyone....

So I go round the maze of oblivion(bliss)....where nothing comes or goes cos its oblivion.

....its birthday time....whteva

hey its b'day time...m gona turn 18 in a few days...but 4 da 1st time don feel like it...don want it 2 come wanna stop in time n freeze....18...m jus scared of it...ppl go crazy tht finally ur 18...but for me its a transitin of sorts..i kno life will go on it will not change drastically jus cos i turned 18 but in ma mind its i finally turn adult...don wanna...wanna stay 17..its jus 2 big...as a kid i waited n waited 4 dis day..thought when im eighteen i would be sure of maself confident n not.. i repeat not confused...hell yeah i'm confused...don feel 18 i feel 5 but there are times i even feel 35...n times i feel ma age 2 (rarely)...ppl r like celebrate but i seem 2 be mourning it...various reasons...one bein ma studies..da oder da day was 2 be significant in more than1 way...n am jus 2 confused who mater so much tht i ewanna share this transition with...da transition of turning into a butterfly frm a catterpillar9atleast metaphorically)....dis feelin is wierd....dis age is wierd...not at all da way i thought it would be...an adult n yet need permission for a cuppa coffee wid frnds...can't stay late 4 work...feel helpless at times...well tht's me turnin 18!!!
let me jus end sayin...Why god why...why u doin dis 2 us.(credits to joey frm frnds)

.......Lost

I shared the deepest thoughts,

The things that hurt the most,

That mattered the most.

You were my rock-

The one who would'nt weather

On whom i could rest when tired.

I held you up when you needed me

I sang to you to allay your fears

Gave you my hand without a question

Fought with my love just for you

Cried along silent as ever

Cause I couldn't see the tears in your heart

Thanks a lot,my friend

You taught me to understand

That I wasn't 'worth' you.

Our friendship was just a mistake

Not something beyond the usual song

Thanks for letting me know

I was wrong.

i dunno wt 2 name it but it sure did teach me a thing or two bout frndship.

Neways 4get frndship.I don think many ppl know da meaning of this word ....as far as this bond is concerned i don think i'll eva be able 2 hav it again...der r a few ppl who come close 2 it ...with whom i feel like i'm on a holiday....but neva da feeling of being at home.

I guess i've lost the capacity 2 eva allow nebody 2 enter tht part of ma heart.It really hurts when i c maself so detached frm everythin....i care bout a lotta ppl but inth end it all jus dies down 2 this emptiness...where i feel as though there is tht sumthin missin in all those words in all the times spent 4 sum1...i feel happy 4 carin...but it jus seems like da world's gone 4 a hike.

i'm searchin in this crowd 4 tht spl person wid whom i feel at home..Don get me wrong it's jus a frnd i'm lukin 4....but when u can't even trust ppl wid da most basic things frndship is miles away...m surrounded by another 126 ppl in ma coll....but when i ask maself so who's ur frnd here sweety...all i get is dis question bac...i kno i may hav offended a few ppl when i say this...

But i guess either it'll take time else i've become phobic 2 da word frnd itself

They say ppl come n go but leave their footprints behind....n many a times scars so deep that u wonder if u were capable of hurtin so much.

Add 2 tht i c not ony me but all of us frustrated wid life...lukin 4 answers...so den y do we still go searchin elsewhere when all we need 2 do is start lukin around us n bein da person we want oders 2 be.....

I dunno guess life as usual decides 2 be the bitch n spreads its bitchiness aound like da plague...it is always so...

everywhere i c ppl i kno or care 4 r hurtin...includin me...this constant ache seems 2 be takin da spirit out of me...tht's y i push maself 2 do everythin with more spirit cos m scared of losin ma head,heart n spirit all of it 2 dis...

Y me is a question i keep on askin maself...but i c sum1 who seems 2 say a lotta things da way i would've wanted 2...infact in a betta way...n i wonder maybe its not ony me who sees things dat way...maybe bein good at heart isn't enuf.......u gotta b perfect else its not enuf...der r times i long 4 da silence 2 cum n engulf me in itself n take me away frm everythin(lemme tell u have bin cravin 4 u since ages now)

i'm wonderin where's my time gone.......where i cud jus go 2 da sea n think n dream n dream.

yesterday was listenin 2 unfaithful n dunno y but felt as though i jus connected 2 dat song...guess i cud be da 1 who's bin murdered but when she sang i don wanna be a murder felt like i'd done sumthin wrong...i wonder if it is ma subconcious tellin me sumthin or else da song is so amazin tht it makes you feel every single note wid it..

Din wanna go bac home yesterday...jus wanted 2 stay out oblivious 2 everythin..listenin 2 slow songs n drivin around(let sum1 else do da drivin)...jus wanting 2 feel da movment...its like there's dis sumthin waitin 2 explode inside me cos i try everythin but it jus doesn't go away..am scared da day it will, it will be real bad...

Feel like jus dropping off into this world of ma own...where i hav everythin i've dreamt of......includin you who will come some day n take me away(dis time its more than a frnd)...far far away into a world of our own....

But don't come now cos even if u do ma heart's not ready for u...its still not ready...gr8 now i don even kno if i want u 2 come along....u c when da hands curl around themslves lukin for those fingers 2 fit in...when da heart waits 2 skip a beat...when u feel da emptiness pressin around u...for those glances 2 b exchanged...u wait 4 jus a single glimpse...but i kno tht its not possible even though its pressin on ma mind all da time...i kno this loneliness is here 2 stay thru alll fault of mine...ma heart weeps in silence..

k i'v gone confused again cos i kno i don want da mess of a relationship rite now but yet that longing jus doesnt seem 2 go away...maybe its time i do a REALITY CHECK...

Did one n say it got me wantin you more but yet runnin away frm even the thought of seei u newhere close 2 me...

So ppl dis ones for all those who say dat frndship n luv ......da most beautiful things hav vanished out of their lives...

Love is........in 2005 v/s 2007!!!

Falling in love is....
opening your heart n soul n leaving it bare for your beloved.They have da power 2 make it dance with joy or 2 make you cry out in pain by one word,one gesture of theirs.It is when u go thru all the heartaches they give you..or u get bcos u din reach up 2 da expectations,da heartaches u feel because u hurt them n yet you will go thru it 4 those few precious moments of happiness with them.It is when u start thinkin bout "US" n not "Me".When da first person who comes 2 ur mind in happiness or sadness is them.When u want 2 jus run into their arms when u feel unprotected.It is when ur heart lets u cry 4 them b'cos of them o r with them.When u realise the power of sum1 ova ur heart.Its when u stay there even when u hurt urslf 2 prevent them frm gettin hurt.Its beautiful n divine...sumthin which leaves a mark on ur soul.sumthin tht can neva b erased.Its when u want 2 go tht extra mile jus 2 see them happy.its when u hope even though u kno tht wt ur hopin 4 may happen or will never happen.It makes u feel foolish at times,spl at times....it makes u want 2 become a betta person so da 1 u love loves u more.It makes u learn 2 feel.When u can name ur tears to them n love them on inspite of gettin hurt.Love is sumthin i understand n yet i dont.........

this was in 2005

Falling in love is....
simply falling(read also as failing).its a mistake cos love=pain+sacrifice.it means "Us" instead of "ME".i kno same thin but interpretation is diff.it is givin da power 2 sum1 2 rule ur life conciously or subconciously.......it is stupid cos when u kno tht it was all a mockery it only leaves 1 thin behind........imprints on ur soul....wounds on ur heart......it can't be erased n leaves u feelin foolish.it means hurt wid them n after they'r gone.it means bringin in more solitude than u already hav......it means needing sum1.......maybe it means i still can't figure this goddamn thing called luv......cos its stupid its a mistake its dumb......but yet i believe its da most beautiful thing..........i guess it is cos da heart is capable of takin in a hundred thousand pains 4 those few moments of joy......which ultimately lodge themselves in ur brain(they're connected u c) n sneak up on u at da best(ya sure) possible times........n make u hate this luv n luv this luv n there i go again.......guess da libran in me will neva lay at rest until its balanced!

this is in 2007.


so u c basically fallin in luv (in ma trademark way) is a correct mistake.....at da moment i go wid mistake......but it teaches u a lot includin da fact tat it is a mistake.lolz now i'm blabbering...


but yeah 1 thing's 4 sure dis love always brings out those precious things called tears.
which roll silently down ur cheeks n let da hurt go.....but da worst is when they stay in ur heart reach upto ur eyes but refuse 2 flow out n act stubborn cos its left u so numb tat even tears cannot express da hurt........it brings sumthin worse than silent tears.....it brings da tears of da heart....

ping pong.......da way ma feelings go!!!!!!!!

Well.........being a student is really daunting!!!!!When u do get serious ppl cum n say make odrs serious then talk n when u don't dey say u disturb oders.........wtf r u supposed 2 do.its likei'm big so im rite n ur da student so ur wrong.U gather da guts 2 go n talk n ur told go improve ur class 4 god's sake ppl i f i could do tht i would hav bin where they r not sittin on a bench in class.ssly these ppl gotta decide.further they say y u goin so slown wen u go fast dey say slow down oders r der 2.well "RESPECTABLE BEHAVIOUR" as so said i guess is also expected frm our teachers.so if we say we're bein prejudiced we're told no ur wrong.so wats da moral of da story...........don go complain come up wid ingenious wasy 2 prove ur point.........here's 1 stare at da teacher until she starts squirming.......n she cant even tell u nethin!!!!wat say!

I believe in da power o words..........but dis time lemme try "silence is golden......... but a stare is platinum" so wish me luk!!!!!!

N movin on being a kid is even more daunting!!!!!1
when ur own mom decides 2 turn ur life upside down well where do u go..........ans nowhere.i kno ur wonderin wt m i talkin of...

1)U neva help around da house.........tat said despite havin 2 full time helps n a cook......wats da pt of havin them if i gotta work.n wen u do help wen dey r not around.add 2 tat u r outta da house practically da whole day.....don think much in coll ony.u cum home exhausted n wt does mamma dearest say........y din u serve da guests(family frnds who we go on holidays wid)....wen both ma helps were free.

2)Cribbin n complainin bout u 2 family frnds........wt do they do go n complain bout u to family frnds in front o u.......humiliating but if u ans bac u behaved inaapropriately.......see wt i mean wen i say "i'm big so i'm rite"

3)Learn 2 sit properly in da house........well am i livin in an observatory or ma damn house......sry mom but i ain't hangin da way i sit at home.......tats supposed 2 b home not jail!!

4)Last of all.........n most frustratin
U've grown big so u should behave like a proper girl........da ideal bhartiya nari types!!!(uff basically a bore)
shouldnt talk on da phone long........serve da guets sit lyk a lady........y do u talk 2 guys.......mom u 4got u r raisin a hybrid kinda kid who's girly n tomboyish in her ways.

so cut me sum slack n da Big Bang
we're gonna start huntin guys 4 u frm next yr ur gonna be married asap..................HELP!!!
this is called serious society dementia!
i mean i'm not even a grad.....am a kid.
add 2 dat a complete messed up n confused kid who's yet tryin 2 figure herself out.......u expect me 2 decide who i'm gonna spend da rest o ma life wid now........atleast lemme figure maself out...
n ya i wanna live b4 i fall into marriage........wid all due respect it seriously is a chauvinistic society here n marriage means u need bloddy permission 2 pee also frm da guy......unless ofcourse ur da saas bahu types who plays petty games or real good at usin ur....
n da smartest thing(sarcastic) u can study after marriage......all bullshit crap n even if i can where's da fun???coll means chillin doin tp talkin 2 frnds goin out havin a ball..........n ya studin also(hehehe)
isn't all dat responsibility enuf tat u wanna hav a marriage.
i mean 24 or 25 is understood but 21!!!!!!!God gujju guys so suck!!!(ssly sux)


n ya ma mom's 4eva complain y do u hav ony guy frnds..........cos i connect betta wid dem is der any problem.......n ya she fuc,kin sends me 2 coll far away n cribs if i gotta stay bac till 8.......ssly wats gotteninto her neways g2g will be bac l8r!!!

finally starting.....

hey.......i finally got down to blogging........but i dunno where to start from there are like a hundred things 2 say.............

neways i got up 2 day as usual in a mixed mood i know u'll be like how can that be but yeah thats me.......mixed up.............am at da moment jus confused as to what da fuck am i doin wid ma life......wastin time thinkin bout S1...........but am tryin 2 keep da promise i kept to one o ma frnds lets call him S3 n am kinda successful.....n coll is jus sad cos there's as usual politics n shit not like i din expect it but yeah it still kinda sux...n da day is jus started so nuthin much on da day but m kinda bugged cos am feelin alil aimless dunno wht 2 write but i guess wanna share dis poem

Lonely As I Am

Lonely as I am,

Tired as I am,

None could ever be.



Probably am I destined,

To this void inside me,

This emptiness is now my only hope,

The only thing that I ever will trust.



Now I know fortunate or not

This is all I, that is mine

None other than this can ever be.



Lord, how cruel could you be,

To have dared to fill this void

With light so bright, and

Underneath lay hidden the fires might,

How cruel could you be,

To steal the only mine.



Thus I say, protect what is yours

Because cruel as he is,

Like a mirage,Will vanish it away.

Thus I say……

Thus I say……





its somethin i wrote ages ago but sumthin that i believe is true.............i cant really write more write now got to go but am workin with da attitude tht each day is new with sumthin new up its sleeve.......so lemme c wts 2day got 4 me...........